“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi
I’ve spent far too long ruminating in self-doubt and comparing myself to what others around me have or represent. I have the brain of an addict, so my default way of thinking is to always want more, rather than appreciate what lies in front of me. This distorted thinking cascades throughout my life to such a degree that I can be standing looking over the most beautiful mountain ranges in Cape Town, South Africa and all that I can think about is what will I being doing later tomorrow on our holiday, will I be bored, will we have enough time?
We live a society where we are bombarded by images of excess, where we call into question our material, emotional, and spiritual being. From the moment our alarm drags us out of bed in the morning, thoughts of not enough course through our brains…. “I didn’t get enough sleep”, “I didn’t spend enough time with the kids at breakfast”, “I didn’t leave myself enough time to fight the traffic to work.” Everywhere we turn we are faced with images that make us question: “Am I thin enough”, “Am I handsome/pretty enough”, “Am I rich enough?” Hell, our national leaders espouse that “You’re either with us, or against us”…. So, “Am I patriotic enough?”
In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown suggests that this feeling of inadequacy is rampant in our modern society, and that it is tied to three elements: shame, comparison, disengagement. As I evaluate my own actions, I see all three components at work in my interactions with others. Looking at shame, I’m prone to pointing out others’ inadequacies before acknowledging my own. As a teacher, when it comes to making comparisons, I’m often guilty of pigeonholing students and seeing differences as weaknesses. Disengagement is all around us. The prevalence of social media is a byproduct of a community that struggles to be seen and heard. It’s so easy for me to avoid taking risks and trying something new by simply telling myself “what difference will it make” or “who even cares?"
For the next 24 hours, I’m going to try a little experiment in my life. I’m going to reframe how I approach people and things today. Instead of waking up and pointing out deficits in my life, I’m going to accentuate the beautiful things that lie within and around me. Gratitude will replace those toxic words “not enough”. I’d love to hear how your day is going, and how you dull those "not enough" voices.
Namaste
Jean-Paul
Fear is defined as: "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat." I've spent most of my life living in fear. People who are close to me know that I've had my share of struggles with depression, addiction, and childhood sexual abuse. On the outside, you saw the class clown, the irreverent extrovert, or manic runner.
What you didn't see was a man who was terrified you would find out his dark secret... that he was unworthy of your respect, kindness, and love. Like many survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I carried a millstone around my neck forged of shame. I was the high school athlete embarrassed to go into the showers, the boyfriend who never let you get too close, the hyper-vigilant new father who never let his young son out of his sight, the husband who never wanted to expose his entire soul.
I'm currently reading a book on vulnerability by Brene Brown, and she includes an except of a speech delivered by US President Theodore Roosevelt, on April 23 1910, at the Sorbonne in Paris, France:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the
strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them
better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly;
who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort
without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the
deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends
himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph
of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails
while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold
and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
I've decided that over the next 12 months, I will strive to be that man "in the arena", a man who strives to "know great enthusiasms", ultimately a journey of "daring greatly". Coming to terms with the abuse in my past, has allowed me to dream of a full life again. I've explained the feeling as spending your entire life inside a house only to discover one morning that there is an entire room in your house you never knew existed. The thought of this extra space is indeed daunting, but the prospects are endless!
I welcome you to check in with me throughout the year as I learn to navigate my new life. I will attempt to surround myself with positive people and practice mindfulness and willingness to explore what it means to form authentic connections with those in my life. I'll be sharing insights I encounter through reading, group therapy, and anywhere else I can grasp a roadmap to a better life. Like all things in life, there will be inevitable setbacks, but I promise you'll witness my life changing before your eyes.
Namaste
Jean-Paul
